(WARNING: this is going to be a piece of writing that’s just all over the place)
This is a picture I took when I was away on a holiday to Switzerland with my family and my boyfriend. It was actually in summer, we were high up in the mountains, literally in the clouds, which is why it looks foggy. This picture represents my current mood a bit. Just a lone cabin, who doesn’t know what’s beyond the fog or if they’ll ever get out of it. That’s what these dark days feel like to me. The days between christmas and the beginning of spring are hazy days during which I never know how I’ll make it through, and who I’ve got to count on, and what I’m doing it all for.
There are so many things on my mind and not nearly enough hours in a day to either deal with all of them or sleep them off. Instead of taking time to think about what’s bothering me, I distract myself from the minute I wake up until the minute I feel I’m so tired that I’ll fall asleep as soon as I put my phone away. I know it’s bad, but I really, truly hate having time to myself without any kind of distraction right now. I’m hoping that this, what I’m doing right now, writing it down, might help me process things.
The truth is, I don’t know if I’ll ever be done “processing things”. I’ve always been someone who overthinks literally everything, every decision I ever make, every text I send, every Snapchat I take. Making decisions is definitely the hardest one in the list, and sadly, I’ve had to do a lot of it. And I’m not even nearly done yet. This time of my life, my eighteenth birthday, my last year of high school (hopefully), the start of the rest of my life, is full of difficult choices. It’s like they tell you “you’re free now, but first you have to figure out what you want to do with the rest of you life”. And I have no idea, which terrifies me. Just writing that down gave me goosebumps.
Going back to the picture; all these decisions make my head foggy and I need to do some clearing up, which is why I started writing in the first place. Usually, I’d text my friends, but since I feel like 1. No one wants to hear me ramble yet again about my dumb problems and 2. There’s not a single person who can understand me fully or make the foggy feeling disappear, I’m writing it down on here instead. I need to be able to help myself and not depend on others to do it for me.
Right now, I’m holding on to a sentence a wise red-headed girl once sang in a movie; “The sun will come out, tomorrow”. I’m a very impatient person, but even I realise that not everything has to be good all the time and not everything CAN be good all the time. I plan on feeling better soon, though.