Everyone who knows me, could confirm that I am petty as HELL. Instead of letting someone know that I’m mad at them, I keep it in and ignore them for a few days, until I realize I’m too lazy to put in the effort to either have an actual argument with someone, or drop them as a friend. So I just leave it be.
Because both of those options are just too tiring for me right now. I have friends, but most of them I just talk to because they’re at my school and it’s easier to talk to them than pretend they don’t exist. (I know what my dad would say if he read this. “You don’t have to either be friends with someone or ignore them, you can just be ACQUAINTANCES” no dad, that’s not exactly how it works in my world right now (sadly). I see those people every single day, it’d just be weird.) High school will be over in just a few months (hopefully), and I feel like it’s easier to just get over it than to create a huge fight and actively be mad at someone. (Being angry is exhausting, you guys.)
When someone screws me over for the fifty thousandt time, I tend to get really angry with them really quick and over the years I’ve learned that when I start an argument at that point, I’ll almost always say something I’ll regret later. Because of that, I usually ignore the person I’m upset with until I know everything I can possibly know about the situation and have calmed down a little.
Often I’ll realise that the thing I’m angry about is not as upsetting as I originally thought it was; and sometimes, when I care enough about someone to discuss the event and when I think I might stay friends with them after I’ve finished high school, I’ll confront them with what I’m angry about. But more often than not, I’ll just leave it until I feel like I’m ready to move on, even when the person who has hurt me, hasn’t apologised for it. I’ll never trust them like I did before, though. I’ll never see them as a real friend anymore if they don’t see the wrong they did, and don’t apologise.
So if you’re a friend I’ve gotten mad at before, THAT’S GOOD. I only have arguments with people I genuinely care about, or when I’m just too pissed to let it slide without letting the person I’m mad at know that they’ve really messed up this time.
So many of my so-called “friends” have screwed me over, and have talked about me behind my back, and have been selfish when I needed them most, and have broken my trust. I used to have friends I could tell everything to, and who genuinely cared about me, but I don’t anymore. At least I don’t think I do.
I can’t really blame anyone, though. Nobody’s perfect, ESPECIALLY not me. I’ve been a really bad friend to people as well. In most of those cases it’s because I know a friendship can’t be saved, so I just stay their friend and we can laugh together while we’re at school, but I don’t really care about them beyond that. Other times, though, when a real friend of mine is feeling shitty, I’m a bad friend sometimes when I’m having a hard time myself and am not in a place to help someone else. It’s not an excuse, but it is a reason. I want to be a good friend to the people who have been a good friend to me, but I want to put my own needs first, and the wants of others second.
If you can find yourself in this, but there’s no way out for you in a few months like there is for me, just try to distance yourself little by little from the friends who you know are no good to you. You don’t need to start a fight, but you shouldn’t feel responsible to stay friends with a toxic person, either. Good luck!!