There are some things that I got used to, and then became very afraid to lose. A text goodmorning, a text goodnight; someone to tell about an exciting or exhausting thing that has happened to me; cuddles at night, or hugs when I’m feeling sad; something to look forward to at the end of a long week.
In short, someone I could always depend on. Someone who was there.
I never knew what my future would hold, but I knew that I wanted to spend it with you. That was the one piece of certainty I had for a while. In this time of my life, where difficult decisions that I have to make are being thrown at me like rotten tomatoes, I need a rock, an anchor, to hold on to. I needed that certainty. I needed you, I needed a relationship that I could be myself in, I needed a person who’d not only support me, but also help me make those difficult decisions.
I remember a time when I looked at you, and truly believed you were the one for me. I don’t know why, I guess it was first-love-blindness; or he-actually-likes-me, the ugly duckling-back-blindness. I noticed your flaws, there are definitely things about you that have annoyed me since day one, but I thought I could change you. I thought we would grow together, and that you’d become a perfect gentleman who’d know exactly what I need without me having to use any words.
But that didn’t happen. It rarely does.
You’re no Disney prince, and I sure as hell am no Disney princess. Looking back, I’ve known for a while that this, we, won’t work out, but I never wanted to admit it to myself. Because I didn’t want to be alone. And I still don’t. Everything around me is changing, and I feel like I’m on a highway, in a car, on my own. I’m scared, I’m seeing everyone pass me by, they’re driving faster than me; they know where they’re going. They’ve got friends and family with them in their car, they’re listening to music, cracking jokes. I’ve got two hands on the steering wheel, but I still can’t control the vehicle, and I don’t know what my next stop will be. The night falls, and everyone around me is leaving, but I’m still driving, in the dark, almost out of gas, and God knows what will happen when my car stops. I’ll be stranded at the side of the road, waving at people to please help me, but everyone is driving by like I don’t exist, like they don’t need me and don’t want me in their lives. There’s no one I can trust, no one who’d take a bullet for me, no one who loves me for me. There’s no one who really knows me, and no one who won’t ever leave me.
It hurts to look at you. It hurts so fucking much, but I want to give you, us, another try because I remember the way it used to be, even though I know that I was probably just blind to the truth because I was scared, before you broke up with me and forced me to face reality. It was a good thing, truly. I needed you to do that in order for me to realise what I do and don’t want. But it hurts. My mind hurts and it makes my body hurt, too. I can’t really explain it, it’s just like a bruised feeling all over, like every cell in my body has been beaten up. It’s no pain like a knife, no feeling of illness; it’s just that. Soreness and bruising, all over my body, inside and out.
And I wish it’d stop. I wish I was brave enough to call it quits, because I know it’d be better for both of us, but every option I have, sucks. I don’t want to break up with you, because you make me laugh, and you taught me to be more fearless, and you put your arms around me when I’m feeling sad, and you call me beautiful and smart.
But you also yell at me, and make me feel like I’m wrong for voicing my wants and needs, and you don’t understand me like I wish you would; you never tell me anything, you don’t know what’s good for me, you make jokes about me that you know I don’t enjoy, you always reply in exactly the same way and it always reassures me that you and I don’t belong together.
I’m looking for something different, someone different, and I don’t know if that person I’m looking for even exists. You know when you’re trying to get a new pair of shoes, and you’ve got the exact pair you want all planned out in your head, but you can’t actually find it anywhere in any store? It’s like that. I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone better than you. Because I DO love you, and I know that you love me, too. So why can’t that be enough? Why can’t I just be happy with what I’ve got?
I’m always making everything harder for myself than it needs to be. I’m never satisfied with anything, I screw up ALL the time, I lie to people, I lie to myself; I’m lazy, unambitious, untrustworthy, egocentric and selfish as hell, and even though I try not to be a bad person, I am.
I’m so lonely.
I know my life isn’t hard, I know I’m really not allowed to whine, ever. I feel bad for feeling bad. But I can’t help it. It’s 3 AM and my eyes hurt from crying, and I have no one to text, which is why I’m writing this here instead. I just don’t see how everything could get better, for good; because often it does get better, but it’s like a house of cards. Just a breeze can knock it down and then I’m right back to where I started; at the bottom of a deep, dark well. I’m not sure how many more times I can take this, and I’m not sure if the good days are worth living for. Nothing is truly worth living for. You were, until you weren’t. I was so in love with you, until I wasn’t.